Boundaries

What are they?

Hoar Frost

This is what the trees around here looked like this morning:

I so wished I had my camera with me. This doesn’t happen very often here. It was like the smaller branches went transparent, sky showing through them. Even the scrawniest, scraggliest bush was a vision this morning.

The God Delusion?

My sister just began her study abroad in Wales, but before she left we did a book exchange. One of the books she lent me was called The God Delusion. I understand that my sister is an atheist, but I don’t understand atheism. And I don’t understand books like The God Delusion. Even if I am a bit of a commitment-phobe when it comes to religion, why would I want to convince myself that God is a delusion?

Why would I want to convince myself that we are alone here?

And how, when we can’t even come close to comprehending the logic of our own universe, when all we’ve got to go on is our own limited bank of scientific knowledge, can we pretend to be certain about anything?

The soul of winter

In winter, at least in Minnesota, it’s too cold to do much besides sit on the couch and do whatever lends itself to being done on the couch. It’s the time of year when I do the deepest thinking, the hardest soul searching, the most hat wearing. It’s the time of year when I think, “What the hell did I even do in the past year? And why the hell do I live here?”

I guess I live here because my family is here, because autumn is beautiful, because every lake feels like a second home, and because I don’t have enough money to move. Even if I wanted to. And what did I do in 2009? Well, I got settled into my job, adjusted to married life in the comfort of my in-laws’ basement, wrote poems for the purpose of soliciting recommendations to graduate school, sent them in to a writing competition, supported my husband in his job search, moved out of the in-laws’ basement and into a nice apartment, helped most of my family members–including my husband–through getting laid off, got more involved in the community band, got my husband a job where I work (thus keeping our apartment), celebrated my first year of marriage to my soul mate on the majestic shore of Lake Superior, restarted this blog, renewed my interest in crafting, writing, and meditation/Buddhism, was offered an editing job that I couldn’t take, and watched my little sister grow up.

What will this year bring? I hope it brings more stability, more meaning, more happiness for me and those I love. I hope to write more, perhaps even to write–or start writing–a book. I hope to be more aggressive in shaping my life, and more certain of what I want the shape to be. I hope this year gets a little warmer, temperature-wise. I hope that it will bring my husband the job of his dreams. I hope to be able to travel with him to some interesting and far-away place. I hope 2010 will bring love, happiness, health, safety, and peace to all.

If you read all that, you probably know more about me than you care to. But what I want to say is that winter is a great time for all of us to hunker down, cozy up, and remind ourselves why we’re here and what we value. So do some deep thinking of your own and see what develops from it. And bundle up.

Whatever you are doing this winter, I hope that you and those you love will be happy, healthy, safe, and at peace.

Decision made. Moving on.

So the deal is this: I got a job offer. It’s an amazing place with nice people, a job in my field (and exactly what I want to be doing in my field), and a great place to learn and be challenged. BUT. . . I couldn’t take it. For various reasons, I just didn’t feel comfortable doing it. I’m ultimately happy with my decision, but I can’t help but feel a little disappointed that it didn’t all work out as I’d hoped. At least they offered me the job though, right? That’s saying something.

Anyway, Christmas, shopping, baking, blah, the youge. Christmas is so much less exciting when you have to split it between three or four families. And when you don’t get to go to Hawaii with your grandma and your aunt. Mais c’est la vie.

Oh, and as our Christmas present to ourselves, my husband and I bought an enormous (54″) plasma TV. It was his idea, and more money than I wanted to spend at first, but I have to admit that it didn’t take me long to warm up to the idea. And when we get Blu-ray, watch. out.

Confusion

I am so incredibly confused. I have a huge decision to make, and I have to make it by tomorrow. I have no idea what would be the right thing to do. There are so many factors. I’m terrified, I’m anxious, and no one will help me make the decision. I wish someone would just tell me, once and for all, what to do.

There is Nothing like Sun for Solitude

There is Nothing like Sun for Solitude (July 26th, 2008)

yesterday was gray and indistinguishable
but soft
as a memory of childhood

a narcotic world
experienced without edges
or direction

today the sun is my favorite again, lying with me on the dock where I crush
blackberry seeds in the hollows of my teeth
and no one is in sight

hot wood,
fishing line, shampoo bottles, horse flies on juice cups, spinners
and hooks, slapstick weeds, wet dogs

eavesdropping is easy across the lake; sundropping too
slime trail of light I send a water bug to follow it
with my thoughts

sprays of moths at night
stars are afraid only of cities, but I am afraid of them and what they mean
neon motel signs flashing vacancy

Post Thanksgiving

Back from Thanksgiving in Chicago, where there was fun, food, and family members for all. My little sister came with us for the first time in years, and she and my husband and I spent much of our spare time playing Rock Band at my cousin’s house. Extremely entertaining.

I had a rather pleasant surprise the day before we left for Chicago, but I don’t want to write about it yet because I’m not sure how things will work out and I don’t want to jinx anything. I should find out about it soon, however.

My newest obsession (and I feel somewhat ashamed of this) is the HBO series True Blood. Yes, it’s a vampire show. But it’s very well done, so long as you can tolerate a hefty dose of sex and gore (I enjoy both), and there is plenty of eye candy. Plus even if you’re not particularly into it, every episode ends with a huge cliffhanger, so you’re practically forced to watch it anyway.

My cat sounds like Chewbacca right now. The End.

DPN Love

I feel I need to express my love for double-pointed needles. I understand they may look intimidating, especially when sticking every which way out of one’s knitting, but they’re a piece of cake once you get the hand of them, and so much more versatile than circular needles (unless you know fancy stuff). I love that I can just use DPNs instead of also buying circular needles for hats. I love that I can wrap rubber bands around the ends and use them as straight needles. I love finding that extra one lying around in the most unexpected places like a happy, sharp little knitting surprise. Or they could be used as cable needles. Or for kabobs.

SADdened

It’s that time of year here in good ol’ Minnesota. The days are nearing their shortest, the weather is getting cooler, and my work schedule is such that the sun has barely risen when I leave in the morning and is just setting when I walk out the door of my office (building, I mean, I don’t have an office). To add to that, our neighbor suggested to us today that we put plastic over our windows because our apartment building gets unbearably cold in the winter (we just moved in this past summer). Perfect.

To cheer myself up, I’ve begun the practice of throwing off my productivity stats by taking a walk around the building in the afternoon. I worry that taking an extra ten minute break will hurt my performance, but I can’t bear to be cooped up all day without once seeing the sun. I need my vitamin D, and I think that getting out into the cool air for awhile and clearing my head allows me to focus better afterwards.

Keeping a stash of favorite teas at work is another great comfort, and the best way to warm up ever.

One other thing I’ve been thinking about doing to make being inside more bearable is putting up cubicle “wallpaper,” i.e. hanging fabric panels in my workspace, which is more like a half-cubicle. I’m hoping to find a sufficiently cheery and sufficiently inexpensive yellow fabric, as well as a sneaky way of measuring my cubicle walls so that nobody asks me what the hell I’m doing.

The great thing is, it’s almost Thanksgiving, which is one of my favorite holidays. I am off Wednesday through Friday to Chicago to spend time with family. And after Thanksgiving, it will be almost Christmas, which is another one of my favorite holidays. Go figure.